


Body Issues

by themadlurker



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bodyswap, Humor, M/M, magical mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-26
Updated: 2009-09-26
Packaged: 2017-10-08 05:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/73210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone may have taken the term "bodyswap" a bit too literally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Body Issues

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely [vensre](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vensre)'s fault. First, for reposting a manip of Merlin wearing a bright green [mankini](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mankini#Mankini), and second, for suggesting that this would make a good topic for fiction.

Arthur nearly collided with Lancelot, who had just come to an abrupt halt at the entrance to Arthur's flat.

"Woah — watch it, there. What's up?"

Lancelot stood there a moment longer, apparently transfixed at whatever he was seeing. He finally shook his head like a dog coming out of water before stepping out of the doorway and allowing Arthur into the flat.

Arthur got about two steps in before taking a horrified three steps back into the corridor.

"What — that — who the hell is that?"

"...Merlin?" Lancelot said faintly, a weird and painful-looking smile stretched across his face.

Arthur did a double take, looking around for signs that Merlin was in the room, but all he could see was the strange man posing spread-eagled in his living room. And then, an instant later, the unfamiliar figure melted into an intimately familiar pose and—

"Bloody hell, _MERLIN?!!_" Arthur exclaimed. Because if he kept his eyes firmly fixed above chin level and ignored the brightly coloured green... thing, that the man was wearing, not to mention the very large amount of skin where he wasn't wearing anything at all, it did look a lot like — "Merlin, what the fuck?"

Lancelot had edged his way into the kitchen, where he was hiding manfully behind the bar top and looking with intent focus at Arthur's collection of sauce pans.

Arthur dropped his gym bag on the floor, kicked the door shut, and strode bravely up to... whoever it was. Up close it looked even less like Merlin, except that it got easier for Arthur to angle his head so he didn't have to look below the neck line at things he was pretty sure hadn't been attached to Merlin's head in the past.

Merlin's face grinned back at him sheepishly.

"Look, I know I'll never be — well, sort of, you know — buff — not like you and Lancelot anyway, but I thought, well, there was this spell for changing bodies and I just thought that maybe..."

"That I might prefer having _a complete stranger's body attached to my boyfriend's head?_ Because that's not creepy at _all_, Merlin."

Merlin winced.

"I may have misunderstood the description of the spell. It's this stupid Latin — you'd think the Romans could be more explicit about their studies of magic, not like they had to be worried about being hunted down for it — well, not like living under the Spanish Inquisition—"

"_Merlin_," Arthur growled.

"—anyway, it said _mutare_ which, you know, really _ought_ to mean that it would change _my_ body instead of—"

"—instead of _swapping it for somebody else's_?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah." Merlin shrugged. "Anyway, I think I know how to reverse it, but I just thought, well, it's not like you'll exactly be seeing me like this again—"

"—thank god—" Arthur muttered under his breath. He thought he could hear Lancelot snickering in the kitchen.

"—and so maybe you'd like to see how it looked, you know, just in case I found the right spell..."

Arthur raised his eyes to the ceiling as if praying for patience, but mostly for the purpose of obscuring the bright green... thing... from his field of vision.

"Merlin?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Where's _your body_ right now?"

"Um..."

"Tell me you haven't actually managed to _lose your own body_."

"No, no, I'm almost definite that it still exists, somewhere, I'd just have to—"

"_Bring. It. Back._"

"Oh, right, yeah, uh, I think I can — no, I definitely, can, I just, uh... _reversint_ no, wait, _reversit_, uh, no, that's not — _reverteo_? hmm..."

Arthur began to tap his foot as a stream of mangled Latin emerged from Merlin's mouth.

"—_at!_" Merlin finished triumphantly. When Arthur risked a glance down, his gaze was met with the more familiar planes of Merlin's torso, calves...

"Lancelot?" he said, without looking back towards the kitchen. "Bugger off for a while, would you?"

He listened for Lancelot's retreating footsteps. The green thing slipped down off one of Merlin's bony shoulders at the same time as the door snicked shut. Arthur helpfully eased it the rest of the way off, then tugged on Merlin's — _Merlin's_ thank god — arse until every inch of underdeveloped, scrawny muscle was pressed flush against his own.

"If you ever," he whispered in between bites on Merlin's ear, "try anything this stupid again—" he paused to kick the green _thing_ viciously away from them "—not only am I going to sign you up for a _counselling seminar_ on body image—" he reached down to cup Merlin's balls with a profound sense of relief at their familiarity—

Not letting go, he leaned back just enough to give Merlin the full force of his widest, most threatening grin.

"—but also, _I am going to tell your mother_," he concluded. He gave Merlin's balls a moment to recover from the thought before he dragged him back towards their bedroom and demonstrated, at length and in detail, exactly how much he liked Merlin's body the way it already was.


End file.
